When You Fill Your Life With Why..

So, as many of you know, last week was Spring Break. This week has been crazy, so I didn't really blog about it, but nothing too exciting happened.

The Highlights:

 Driving down and back with Nick: My buddy Nick goes up to UVU, and he's one of the few friends I have that isn't currently on a mission. He and I had a full 12 hours in the car together (between down and back), and it was seriously great! It made the car ride go by so fast talking about movies, rapping along with Snoop Dogg, reminiscing about seminary/high school, and talking about the future. We had SO much fun! 

Jury Duty: That's right, over Spring Break I had to go in and fulfill my civic duty. I ended up getting dismissed after two full days at the court house .While the extra $30 was appreciated, the timing could not have been worse. The LAST way I wanted to spend my spring break was inside a court house in slacks and a collared shirt. 

The Beach: After getting dismissed from Jury Duty, Nick and I went to Zuma/ Point Dume beach. It was SO much fun. The water was far too cold to get in, but we laid out in the sun. And by we, I mean me, because Nick brings umbrellas to the beach. Umbrellas. I mean, I get he's a ginger, but that's like cheating yourself out of the beach. But hey to each their own, right? We hung out, read books, played ukulele, and just relaxed for a few hours. We had a really cool fog roll in out of nowhere, and that's when we decided to head back.  

The fog when it was rolling in

Then within 10 minutes it was EVERYWHERE, and really thick. It was kinda cool. 

The voyage to Loma Linda: Once again, I had to make the 2 hour drive down to Loma Linda, where I got my surgery. I got good news though, I'm all clear to go on my mission again! Once I get home in May, I'm just gonna hit submit! I'm so excited to FINALLY go out! Nothing's stopping me now! :)

Hanging out with Robert: My friend's family is moving into a fix-up house. They were needing some help, so I spent my Friday helping them out. It was pretty fun, and after that he and I hung out at my house and it even turned into a "Oh crap, it's like 1:30. Is it cool if I sleep here?" situation, like our hang outs tend to. 

So that was my spring break. Nowhere near as exciting for fun as last year, but I think I needed a more relaxing spring break this time. It wasn't the Spring Break I wanted, but it was the Spring Break I needed. </nerd> 

So I walk to school because my bike is currently out of commission, and I've been too lazy to fix it. My walk usually takes about 15 minutes to get to my classes in the morning, and about the same to get home. That means that I have 30 minutes  to myself where I can just think. This time has become seriously invaluable with me (that's probably why I have procrastinated fixing my bike). I can think of jokes, focus on relearning the day's lessons, think about life, etc. Since Spring Break I've done a lot of the last one. See while we were driving back, Nick mentioned that he loved Washington State, and that he was considering moving there when he was done with school. We figured out that he would be done with school when I got off my mission, and that made me really sad. I threw out the idea of possibly moving there with him after my mission, and the more we talked about the idea, the more fun it sounded like. I mean, the timing would work out great. I'll have my associate's degree when I leave for my mission, and I could go literally anywhere I wanted to. As he and I considered our "5 year plans" with Washington State included in them, he and I got very excited and it seemed like a good idea. I thought of the possibilities all of spring break. 

But, during my walks, logical me began to over-analyze the possibilities. I wouldn't have a scholarship of any kind, I'd have to worry about out of state tuition, I'd be much further from my family, and what's out there for me, anyway? Basically, I began to look for reasons not to do it, and the biggest question that fit into this category was why. Why would I completely uproot my life with no prospect of a job, leave behind friends and familiarity I have here in Utah, lose my scholarship, etc. The Why has bugged me and nagged at me every walk I've had. Then, finally, on Thursday I came to a bit of a realization. I was asking the wrong question. I was asking Why, when I should be asking why not? I remembered all those cheesy phrases: adventure begins where your comfort zone ends, etc. Then I made one up myself: If you fill your life with "why's", you're filling it with "what if's". I mean, if I were to graduate SUU, get a crappy job I hate, and go through a real rough patch, I think that I would probably keep wondering "what if I'd gone to Washington with Nick." I'd blame myself and be mad because I'd think the grass would be greener on the other side. And maybe it would be, but I'd never know because I'd never seized the opportunity. 

I don't know how that whole situation is gonna play out. A million variables go into it. I have to have my associate's degree before I leave, meaning I pass my math and science classes this semester, Nick has to be single, and move to Washington, I have to be in a financial situation to transfer, I have to figure out the transfer process, price it out, etc. I mean, it is really up in the air. But whether it ends up happening or not, I learned a very valuable lesson that I wanted you all to hear, because maybe it's something that you needed to hear. Maybe it'll make you do something you want to do, or take some offer you'd be inclined to turn down. But stop focusing on the why's, and focus on the why not's. Because I think that it'll make life much more exciting, if nothing else, if we take opportunities that life gives us. 

2012: In the Rearview

Well, folks, it's (almost) 2013. It's been a heck of a year, in some ways good and in some ways bad. But here is how my year went:

January: Well, first of all I started a blog! One of my New Year's resolutions was to start a blog, so that I could work on my writing. I also wanted to work on my actual writing; short stories, sketches and such the like. I've done decently on that, but my blog went well! I made 24 posts, so averaging once every two weeks. I'm actually doing pretty well! So I did well.

Also, I went back to school for what I thought would be my semester, but life had other plans. We'll get to that in a bit. Anyway, I also went out to Junction, Utah for a weekend with Glen and Mitch. In all honesty it was one of the highlights of my entire year. It was fun to hang out just the three of us shooting guns, playing video games, riding quads, and of course, eating lots of food. In short, biggest man-weekend I've had in a while.

I know, I'm pretty cool, you don't have to tell me.

Why yes, we are standing on a solid lake. and yes, I do miss this kid like no other. 

February: Not too much. I got into the swing of things at school. Started having more classes and, more importantly, more fun. 

I got to meet the real life Hitch! He was really cool and really funny!

We went out sledding one day. I was SO DANG COLD.

March: Spring break! What else is there to say? I dragged as many people as wanted to come to California with me. We went all around Southern California, enjoying the sights, visiting the beach, going to LA, and all around enjoying the fact that it was above 50 degrees! 

Santa Monica Beach picture with everybody

China town picture with everybody

We found the bench from (500) Days of Summer!

Hiked Fish creed. It was cold and would have been miserable, but I had good friends with me!

This was Mitch's idea of a breakfast..

We went to the local Novelty store, Charlie Brown Farms

And that's where this, my vote for picture of the year, was taken. 

We also went up North at the end of the month for Mitch's mission call opening and for Color festival. 

We got pretty dirty by the end of it. We took this as we were leaving.

Mitch's mission call!

April: Even though school was winding down, we still found ways to entertain ourselves. We watched Conference in Lone Pine at Melissa's grandma's house. It was also April Fool's. That whole weekend was full of the spirit, and the spirit of mischief. 

We sticky noted Kay's car.

We also got in a Sand Hollow trip. It took us a while to figure out that tent...

May: Said goodbye to SUU for what I thought would be the last time for a couple years. I said bye to everybody, too. Landon left for his mission, and I got back out to Kanab for his farewell.

This is what Landon's farewell was like. we just took a bunch of silly pictures. 

I hate saying goodbye and I hate mornings. 

Summer: I won't bore you with a month-by-month here because it's all a blur to me too (plus I didn't take all that many pictures...). But rest assured, it was full of beach trips, hikes, cliff jumping, and hanging out with some awesome people. Most notable here are (without pictures), Glen's farewell and going to see my sister out in Missouri. We had a death in the family, so we took a trip out to see her. It was great to see everybody again, despite the circumstances. 

The Beach! and some dudes...

My last trip back to SUU

Cliff jumping in California!

Cliff jumping in Utah!

We blew a tire on the way to the Brigham City temple open house. That didn't stop us from having some fun, though!!

Fourth of July up on the hill. What a sight! We got to see the whole valley's firework's show. 

Hiking Kanarraville! 

October: Full of hanging out with my friends here in California! I spent a week with my grandparents in Palm Desert, watched Diego and Tristen get their mission calls, and overall enjoyed some downtime before..

November: Probably one of the biggest months of my life. On the 26th I had the first major surgery I've ever had. I had a renalectomy, or kidney transplant surgery. Right now, while I sit here, I am typing with one less body part than 99% of the population. It feels pretty good to be different. Plus, it helped save my brother's life. Overall, worth it, despite the pain and slow recovery.

This was the night I got home! 

December: Aside from recovering, and saying goodbye to Diego (unphotographed), I went up to Utah to spend Christmas with my grandparents. It was a great trip because I got to see my brother Adam before he deploys from Afghanistan in January. I also got to see Breanna and Jason get married!

Breanna and Jason getting all married. 

We hung out at the wedding a bit. 

We went sledding. My parents are kinda cute sometimes. 

Anyway, that's been my 2012-- all the highlights, anyway. It's been a rough year in some ways, but a great year overall. I look forward to the challenges, hardships, joys, and memories of 2013. Here are some of my resolutions for the new year:

• Continue taking risks. I want to get out of my bubble and try new things. I pride myself on being open minded, but why stop at thinking about doing cool new things? :)
• Work out again. Because of surgery I've lost the ten pounds, basically everything I put on from working out this past year. So I want to start working out again and gain all my weight back. I was just starting to enjoy not looking like a total wimp, and I want it back! The actual goal: to work out at least three times a week every week, and to get back up to 150 lbs.
• Be nicer to those who treat me right. This is pretty self explanatory, and I think I do alright with this. But sometimes I simply repay them with a thank you, when I realize a proper thank you would be in a repaid favor or something like that. So I'm gonna work on recognizing people's sacrifices for me and repaying them better!
• Find a job- No matter what, I need to find a job. I want to become more independent, and money doesn't buy happiness, but it sure buys freedom. 
• Last, but not least, leave on my mission before my birthday. I plan to be fully recovered by March or so, and school ends in May. So hopefully by May or June I'll be gone, but I DEFINITELY want to be gone by August. 

Finally, in case I haven't told you, I will be attending SUU for the next semester. Because my recovery will be done at March at the soonest, I decided to not fall a year behind in school and finish up my Associates at SUU while I finish my recovery. I'm taking 17 credits and will be trying to find employment, so I might not be around too much. But rest assured, if you're at SUU we'll be hanging out! I'm leaving Wednesday the 2nd, and school starts the 7th!

Anyway, I hope that this finds you well. I hope you all have had a happy holiday and that you have a Happy New Year. Have a great day and have a wonderful 2013 all!

If you're not moving forward...

Hello to all! I hope you all find yourselves well. I hope that you have come with minds open, because I'm about to drop some philo (what the kids are calling "philosophy" nowadays") right on your dome (what the kids are calling ones' "head") nowadays. You ready? Alright, here we go:

So, as many of you are aware, I'm in this really strange point in my life. And not just because I'm 19 and the world's my oyster and all that jazz, but because I have been put in an extremely unique position that I would dare anybody to find me another person in the history of the universe who has been in this position. Now, I realize this is a bold statement, but I say it with confidence. Because right now I am planning to donate my kidney to my brother.This procedure has only begun to become possible through modern science, probably in the past 40 or 50 years. I am also going to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder Day Saints. As many of you know, we as Mormons will typically serve missions when we're 19. Well, as of this month, men can now serve when they are 18, and women when they are 19. So now, as a 19 year old male, I am sitting around, waiting for a date on when I can get a major organ sucked out of my body and implanted into my brother, and had to postpone serving my mission to do so. Meanwhile, almost every male friend I have is now serving a mission, and now I am watching all my female friends begin the process to leave.

I mean, honestly, there may be 1 or 2 other people in the existence of time who have even had a situation comparable to mine. But this isn't a post about the expanse of the universe, the meaning of life, or any of that.

No, what this is about is a realization I have come to over the past week. And that's if you're not moving forward, you're moving backward. See, I've realized that life is a muscle. Life must be flexed, moved, strained, pushed, hardened, expanded, and used, in order for rest to be worth it. Otherwise, life becomes obese, extravagant, and begins the process of regression, like any muscle. For instance, you can work for years on the perfect body, but lose it in a matter of months if you stop utilizing those muscles that make it up. I've seen this in almost every aspect of my life.

The problem is that I have had very little to motivate me the past few months. I've lived in a state of limbo--of not knowing--for such a long time, that I began to regress in my habits. I wasn't acting like I was in college. I gained a year's worth of knowledge, wisdom, worldly awareness, habits, thought patterns, routines, and maturity (well...). Now, after sitting on my butt for 6 months, at home, doing little to nothing, I've moved backwards.

I can't say it's entirely my own fault. I mean, I'll take responsibility, but it's not. If I'd known that the process to get tested and scheduled for the kidney donation surgery, I would certainly have pursued another/better job. Right now I'm selling Cutco and setting my own schedule (which I've also slacked off on, to be honest...) and if I had known I would have sought out better employment. I could have earned 4 or 5 month's worth of minimum wage. Nothing to shake a stick at.

If I'd known how long this process would take, I would have done another semester at college. I wouldn't be sitting at home, twiddling my thumbs and wasting my time. I would have given it a shot to try and get tested out there, and to get myself ahead another semester. I would have met more people, gained more knowledge, and made another 6 month's worth of "mature responsible" (I'll use those words loosely) Tommy habits and routines.

But instead, I just sit around. I do what I can around the house. I surf the web for hours on end, stare at Facebook statuses and tweets I've read at least a dozen times, play video games, try to hang out with whoever isn't in school, maybe earn some money if I can, or if I feel like it. But most of the time, I lack the motivation. Because I haven't flexed my "responsibility" muscles for a while. So instead, I sit around and think. I ponder, and I get myself into trouble.

But I'm trying to get better. I'm trying to jump back into my good habits and routines. Fortunately, unlike working out, you don't tire quickly after a hiatus of not working out your good habits and routines.


So yeah! That's what I've been thinking about the past few days. I hope maybe this helps somebody. If not, well you'll be rewarded for reading all the way either way. Because if you like good music, you should listen to Cloud Cult. They have really good music, and I haven't stopped listening to them since I discovered them. They're kinda strange, but I like almost every song they make, and I hope you do too!

'Til next time, stay classy San Diego.

A Topical Post about the Friend Zone.

Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? Blogging about something I think about a topic? What am I relevant?

So about a week or so ago, my friend posted this picture on Facebook. (Here is her blog. She's awesome and cool and awesome so go read her blog. http://itsmelissak.blogspot.com/ )
And here is the picture: 

I personally hate this photo and think it's false and stupid and tacky and I hate it. So I shall explain my position on it and maybe it changes your view, maybe it doesn't. Either way I hope you find what I say entertaining and enlightening. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaandgo (Keep in mind, this is not an essay, and even if it was it would have no organization of thought because I have no organization of thought. So you probably won't follow the logic. But I promise it'll come together in the end in my head.)

So here is why I disagree with it. I would venture to say that between 90-95% of the time, it is the guy complaining about being in the "friend zone". It does happen to girls, but I'm speaking strictly from a male perspective because between 90-95% of the time I am male, so I can only go based on my own thought process. But here's how I figure it. I have been in the friend zone by people before. I have also broken out of the friend zone after several years. However, that did work and kinda made a friendship rocky. I have also been turned down by a date by girls without reason. Perhaps these are exceptions to the rules though?

Well here's the biggest problem that I have with this picture. Barney Stinson would never ask a girl out on a date. They'd ask him on a date. I mean, he's Barney Stinson. He'd lie to you to make you ask him on a date. Cheeky little guy.

And my other biggest problem with this picture is that the reason guys complain about the friendzone are because they finally work up the courage to ask a girl on a date, or even confess how they feel, and the girl turns him down. Something that girls don't understand is that asking you girls out on dates is scary. It doesn't matter if we've known you a while, or if we're just meeting you, asking you on a date is terrifying. Asking you on a date makes us vulnerable, a feeling we aren't comfortable with. That's why we punch each other, because that's super tough and makes us feel invulnerable. We feel tougher and manlier when we aren't vulnerable. So asking girls on dates and making our emotions known is tough for us.

Also, something you ladies should know, is that there is no such thing as going on a date as "just friends", at least not for guys. We say we're going as "just friends" to try to take some of the edge off of one of us, Because for whatever reason, if we've ever liked you, we still like you. We can't just turn it off, box it up, and put it in an attic to find years later and be like "wow, that was dumb." Our crushes are like tattoos, we wear them openly, try to get rid of them once we realize how stupid they are, then the second somebody brings up what a good idea it was you go get it redone darker and thicker than it was before. Okay, not the best analogy, but it got the point across. Probably.

Another problem that I have with this picture is that it tries to take the blame off of the girls. If you are made aware that you have friend zoned somebody, then that means you now have a situation where you have somebody you only consider a friend who has finally mustered the courage to confess their feelings for you. Should they have asked you on a date sooner? Certainly. But why didn't they? Perhaps because you had a boyfriend? Perhaps because they were intimidated by you and were too scared to ask you out? Perhaps you were sitting around waiting for some other dude to ask you out, and putting this other dude all up in our grill whenever we tried to talk to you. Personally, I think all three are valid reasons why not to ask a girl. But even if you rule out the middle one as stupid (which, admittedly, it probably is. But I've totally been that guy too scared to ask a girl out. I still am that guy.) But the other two are other valid candidates for why I wouldn't have asked you out on a date, and then when I tell you how I feel you're like "Oh, well, I totally think you're awesome, but you're just a friend, so if you don't mind I'm gonna pee on your feelings by continuing to tell you about how badly [generic douche name] treats me. But he's better looking than you so I'll just throw you in the friend zone that we girls invent to make ourselves feel better and to avoid telling the less attractive guys we don't find them attractive now, in the past, and we never will."

Well, that escalated quickly. Probably some emotions I haven't dealt with in there somewhere. But that's cool, because I'm just gonna learn to reproduce asexually. Current task, learning how budding works.

BUT IN ANY CASE: LAWYERED.

In conclusion, I counter argue that this picture only applies to a very few situations, where while the guy was stupid, the girl is even more stupid for making up this friend zone to keep people in in the first place. And in the other case, it is not the guy's fault at all, because the girl just put him there to cover up her real feelings.

Boating!

I went boating today. If there's one thing you should know about me, it's that I LOVE boating. Like, lovelovelovelovelove it. I need to find adjectives in the dictionary. No, I need to be like Shakespeare and make up words to describe my love for it. Or just be like Shakespeare and write a hundred ambiguously gay sonnets about it. Something like that. Because I FREAKIN' LOVE BOATING.

And honestly, whoever doesn't like boating is probably like a serial child killer or something. Like, if you meet somebody who is even on the fence about boating, cut them out of your life and make sure you lock your doors man. Because something is seriously wrong with that person. Being out on the water, a soft mist sprinkling your face, the hot sun zenning you into bliss as yin and yang, heat and water, play their ongoing feud on the skin 9/10 times you're hoping will tan but it ends up just burning.

I've been able to boat about twice a year since we moved back to California. We go once with my uncle, who is incredibly fun to tube with and who I went with today, and once with my neighbors the Thackers, because they have a boat and we've been friends forever. :D



Anyway, I've gotten pretty good over the past few years with wakeboarding and such. I've learned to jump pretty well (just bunny hops, I can't jump the wake or anything.) Today while I was trying that I ate it HARD though, and got pretty bad whiplash. My neck's hurting pretty bad right now. But hey, it comes with the territory right?

However, my FAVORITE thing to do while boating (minus just enjoying the overall experience) is tubing, especially the way my uncle does it. He makes it so fun with how much he whips you around and bounces you and such. Plus it's one of those fears that I conquered because of a near-death experience associated with it (I'll put another post about it probably. Also I started another one the other night trying to catch you guys up on my summer thus far. It's a draft, so I'll finish it at some point.) Anyway, I'm really proud of myself every time I tube because it's me getting over that fear. It's one of those things that I let myself be proud of myself for. Which was a poorly constructed sentence but I'm blogging late at night again so SHUT UP.

Anyway, I just love boating. The only downside is that I lost my CTR ring. It ripped off the first time I was tubing. I've had it for like a year and a half, and it wasn't spinning much anymore because of beach sand and such. But I still miss it. It's seen a long year and a half. RIP CTR ring.

Anyway, when I get home I'll probably finish that other post about what I've been up to, and also that other one talking about my near death experience. Or maybe not. I dunno. 'Til then, stay classy San Diego.

It's much too late for me to come up with a title, much less a good one

It's 4:14 in the morning. I haven't been sleeping well at all the past several days. All the days are blurring together now, and I can't stop them from doing so. I'm trying to get on a more regular sleep schedule, so that I can fall asleep before 2 and wake up before noon. But it feels like the more I try, the less I'm able to fall asleep, and the more desire I have to sleep through alarms.

I think my insomnia might be coming back. For those who don't know, I had insomnia pretty bad from the time I was 12 'til I was 16. It was brought on by my hormones beginning to go crazy in the 7th grade, and then stopped in the 11th grade once my body had somewhat stabilized. While I had it, my sleep schedule was insane. I would fall asleep at 1 or 2 in the morning, and then wake up for seminary around 5:30. This resulted in crazy mood swings and depression a lot of the time. However, over the past two years I've been doing pretty well other than the occasion sleepless night that I've found most people have.

But for some reason, I think that it's coming back now. Probably because of stress, and all the changes that are happening (or, at least, supposed to be happening.) Lately I've just had no motivation to do anything. Nothing seems to make me genuinely excited anymore, either. I don't feel as close to friends I once felt close to, and those who I've begun to feel stronger towards are leaving on missions or are busy with their lives during the summer. I dunno. I guess lately I've just felt like I'm in a bit of a box. A box with one way glass, where I can look out, but people can't look in. It's not that I won't let people look in, heck I really WANT people to do so. It just feels like people don't want to. If I want to hang out with or see people, then I have to instigate it. I don't get invited to activities anymore. I don't get texted or called, heck I don't even get acknowledged much without some sort of instigation of contact on my part.

I've also been getting really pissed off at a lot of stupid stuff too. My car not working still/again. Myself, a lot of the time. Even stupid things like games and stuff. I started swearing again, something that I haven't done since freshman year of high school. And not even like under my breath and stuff. Like out loud, sometimes screamed if I'm alone. I'm trying to break this, but when it feels like I'm on such a short fuse because of lack of sleep I don't even notice until it's happened. I usually have so much more self control, but it just feels like lately I haven't had any. I haven't been able to control much of anything. Nothing I do, nothing people around me do, nothing that my life is doing.

People keep asking me when I'm putting my mission papers in. And each time I tell them something different. I have to, because the days pass too quickly and the problems I'm struggling with aren't resolved yet. I wish I could tell people a definite date. I wish that I could just stop struggling and figure everything out and go on a mission like all the rest of my friends are. I want to be able to do so. I've always wanted to go on a mission, ever since I was in primary and I sang I hope they call me on a mission. I always knew that I wanted to serve the Lord. But since I was 11 I struggled with church. I never built my testimony and now that I'm trying it feels like all the factors are working against me. I'm losing hope fast and honestly I don't have the mental will to really try anymore.

I know I promised I wouldn't have any more blog posts like this. I know that I said that my blog would be used to uplift people and all that. But I want to keep people updated on my life too. And right now, this is my life. Extended periods of boredom, sleepless nights, and efforts on my part that aren't panning out in the least. All these plans that I'm trying to lay aren't finding any ground to root into. So I spend a lot of my time alone and thinking, and I guess that results in blog posts and even worse things. This isn't a spot I like or even want to be in. I gotta get out of this funk somehow.

Valentine's Day Post

So since it's been such a long time since I was motivated to post, I figured I'd post about a recent event in my life: Valentine's Day!! Well, actually, since this year I celebrated this Valentine's day as a super sexy single, I'll probably just talk about the idea of Valentine's day and the idea of love. Last year was the first year that I had a Valentine, which I guess was nice at the time, but because of some negative dendrites associated with the event I wasn't even thinking about the holiday, nor was I looking forward to it. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't boo-hooing or bah humbugging by any means. But I also wasn't seen running around in a diaper shooting people in the butt with arrows with heart-shaped arrowheads. I viewed it as just another day. I had to go to classes still, I had to feign relative interest in several classes ,but I just had to deal with everybody being all couply. You know, walking around holding hands and being cute to a vomit-worthy extent. But the good kind of vomit, the kind that burns with jealousy-- not stomach acid-- when it comes up.
See, unlike most of my male peers, I pride myself in not being an incorrigible douchebag. I try to treat girls with respect, and actually value them as human beings, and not objects. I like to think I treat girls nicely, but I just don't seem to be given the opportunity to impress girls very often, for whatever reason. It's really whatever at this point, because I'm going on a mission anyway. I just wish I'd found a girl with whom I could have had a meaningful relationship with before this point in my life. But I'm at peace with that now, and I just live vicariously through my friends. They tell me about their relationship stuff and I get happy because they seem to be happy. They're excited, and they feel this fire that only this person can fan. Sure, that twinge of jealousy does pop up, but it's usually replaced with happiness for them fairly quickly. Because I think I might be in love with the idea of love.
It's just so awesome to me the human capacity to love people. Call me naive, or stupid or whatever, but I think that love really can conquer all. I think that if people love each other, then they treat each other a certain way that reflects it. I think that people in love radiate, and you can see it when they're around their significant other. They're that nauseating cute that I referred to earlier. And I guess that maybe it's just because I haven't ever been there, so I can't sympathize with the feeling, but sometimes it becomes genuine anger. It's stupid, and I know that, but sometimes I can't help but feel it for a few moments.
After moments like this, I tend to drift off. I wonder who my future wife may be. I wonder if maybe I'm missing her by fractions of a second, if I've met her yet, if she's ever talked to me, or thought about me, or felt the way that I do. I wonder if we'll be so alike it's scary, or so infuriatingly opposite that people will wonder why we're together. I wonder if she ever stops and appreciates the little things. I wonder if she can sing, or play guitar,  or if she has some weird talent like being double jointed in her thumb. I wonder if she's tall or short. I hope she's funnier and better looking than me-- I hope she has a laugh that people catch, and can hear from a mile away. I hope she doesn't mind if I can't sing, or I can't dance, or that sometimes I'm immature and inappropriate. I hope she understands half the crap that comes out of my mouth better than even I do. I hope she likes to cuddle, hold hands, and kiss. I hope she wants to be married in the temple, whichever one she's wanted to be married in since she was a little girl. I hope she'll tell me that story one day. I hope she wants kids, but not too many. I wonder if she prays, prays to God that she finds me, just like I do for her. I wonder if she's even out there. And on those days, I write blog posts 'til 3:30 in the morning because wondering is just about all that I have on these days. I don't have anybody to be in love with, so I just fall in love with the idea of being in love. And on days like this, thinking, wondering, hoping and praying all have to suffice.