Epiphany

Today I had an epiphany. I realized that I don't seek people's approval because I want everybody to like me. I seek people's approval because I want someone to like me. I don't care who it is, but as long as there's one person who's still with me. I don't care that everybody likes me, I just need someone to. And some days I feel like I definitely don't have that. Some days I feel as though there isn't a single person within 200 miles who's all that emotionally invested in me. I don't know why I feel like that. I've surrounded myself with wonderful people here. But there are times when I feel like I get overlooked, you know? There are times when I feel completely out of everything, or like everybody holds me at arm's distance for whatever reason.  And on those days I just sit in my room and entertain myself. Part of me wants somebody to knock on my door, and prove me wrong while the other part of me wishes that I could just be alone for a long time. Because I have the strange talent (and yes, I do consider it a talent) of being able to be alone with my thoughts. I think of everything. Past days, present days, future days, days that don't even exist, days that couldn't exist, hopes and dreams, and everything in between. And sometimes I like to be alone in my thoughts. But some days I need to be saved from them.

 I guess, sometimes, I feel like to a lot of people I'm just the funny guy. I'm just the guy who's funny when he's around. But when he's not, then other people fill in his place. Other people can be just as funny-- if not funnier-- than I am. So people don't even notice when I'm not around. And I guess part of me is okay with that. But the other part wonders if I should change that, and if it would be worth it to change that. Is it possible that I lose that piece of my self if I do? Maybe even lose my whole self.

Maybe I should just become a hermit. I could easily just crawl into a cave and publish commercial jingles for a living. I would impress people with my magnificently witty catch phrases and sayings through some actor saying them, and still reap the benefits. I think I'd be okay with that... I could entertain myself for a while. I mean I'm sure I'd miss the human contact eventually. But maybe that's what the internet is for. Or maybe I could publish books under a false name, and live a pathetically vicarious life through fictional characters of my own design. But then the books would flop because they'd have next to no root in reality. Nobody would be able to believe what I was saying because it wasn't quite on point with how people really are.

So maybe I'll just stick to what I know. I'll just drift in and out of people's lives, and make them feel good for a brief moment, then drift back into unimportance.I think I'll just do that. 'Cause even if it's broke, sometimes you just can't fix it.