2012: In the Rearview

Well, folks, it's (almost) 2013. It's been a heck of a year, in some ways good and in some ways bad. But here is how my year went:

January: Well, first of all I started a blog! One of my New Year's resolutions was to start a blog, so that I could work on my writing. I also wanted to work on my actual writing; short stories, sketches and such the like. I've done decently on that, but my blog went well! I made 24 posts, so averaging once every two weeks. I'm actually doing pretty well! So I did well.

Also, I went back to school for what I thought would be my semester, but life had other plans. We'll get to that in a bit. Anyway, I also went out to Junction, Utah for a weekend with Glen and Mitch. In all honesty it was one of the highlights of my entire year. It was fun to hang out just the three of us shooting guns, playing video games, riding quads, and of course, eating lots of food. In short, biggest man-weekend I've had in a while.

I know, I'm pretty cool, you don't have to tell me.

Why yes, we are standing on a solid lake. and yes, I do miss this kid like no other. 

February: Not too much. I got into the swing of things at school. Started having more classes and, more importantly, more fun. 

I got to meet the real life Hitch! He was really cool and really funny!

We went out sledding one day. I was SO DANG COLD.

March: Spring break! What else is there to say? I dragged as many people as wanted to come to California with me. We went all around Southern California, enjoying the sights, visiting the beach, going to LA, and all around enjoying the fact that it was above 50 degrees! 

Santa Monica Beach picture with everybody

China town picture with everybody

We found the bench from (500) Days of Summer!

Hiked Fish creed. It was cold and would have been miserable, but I had good friends with me!

This was Mitch's idea of a breakfast..

We went to the local Novelty store, Charlie Brown Farms

And that's where this, my vote for picture of the year, was taken. 

We also went up North at the end of the month for Mitch's mission call opening and for Color festival. 

We got pretty dirty by the end of it. We took this as we were leaving.

Mitch's mission call!

April: Even though school was winding down, we still found ways to entertain ourselves. We watched Conference in Lone Pine at Melissa's grandma's house. It was also April Fool's. That whole weekend was full of the spirit, and the spirit of mischief. 

We sticky noted Kay's car.

We also got in a Sand Hollow trip. It took us a while to figure out that tent...

May: Said goodbye to SUU for what I thought would be the last time for a couple years. I said bye to everybody, too. Landon left for his mission, and I got back out to Kanab for his farewell.

This is what Landon's farewell was like. we just took a bunch of silly pictures. 

I hate saying goodbye and I hate mornings. 

Summer: I won't bore you with a month-by-month here because it's all a blur to me too (plus I didn't take all that many pictures...). But rest assured, it was full of beach trips, hikes, cliff jumping, and hanging out with some awesome people. Most notable here are (without pictures), Glen's farewell and going to see my sister out in Missouri. We had a death in the family, so we took a trip out to see her. It was great to see everybody again, despite the circumstances. 

The Beach! and some dudes...

My last trip back to SUU

Cliff jumping in California!

Cliff jumping in Utah!

We blew a tire on the way to the Brigham City temple open house. That didn't stop us from having some fun, though!!

Fourth of July up on the hill. What a sight! We got to see the whole valley's firework's show. 

Hiking Kanarraville! 

October: Full of hanging out with my friends here in California! I spent a week with my grandparents in Palm Desert, watched Diego and Tristen get their mission calls, and overall enjoyed some downtime before..

November: Probably one of the biggest months of my life. On the 26th I had the first major surgery I've ever had. I had a renalectomy, or kidney transplant surgery. Right now, while I sit here, I am typing with one less body part than 99% of the population. It feels pretty good to be different. Plus, it helped save my brother's life. Overall, worth it, despite the pain and slow recovery.

This was the night I got home! 

December: Aside from recovering, and saying goodbye to Diego (unphotographed), I went up to Utah to spend Christmas with my grandparents. It was a great trip because I got to see my brother Adam before he deploys from Afghanistan in January. I also got to see Breanna and Jason get married!

Breanna and Jason getting all married. 

We hung out at the wedding a bit. 

We went sledding. My parents are kinda cute sometimes. 

Anyway, that's been my 2012-- all the highlights, anyway. It's been a rough year in some ways, but a great year overall. I look forward to the challenges, hardships, joys, and memories of 2013. Here are some of my resolutions for the new year:

• Continue taking risks. I want to get out of my bubble and try new things. I pride myself on being open minded, but why stop at thinking about doing cool new things? :)
• Work out again. Because of surgery I've lost the ten pounds, basically everything I put on from working out this past year. So I want to start working out again and gain all my weight back. I was just starting to enjoy not looking like a total wimp, and I want it back! The actual goal: to work out at least three times a week every week, and to get back up to 150 lbs.
• Be nicer to those who treat me right. This is pretty self explanatory, and I think I do alright with this. But sometimes I simply repay them with a thank you, when I realize a proper thank you would be in a repaid favor or something like that. So I'm gonna work on recognizing people's sacrifices for me and repaying them better!
• Find a job- No matter what, I need to find a job. I want to become more independent, and money doesn't buy happiness, but it sure buys freedom. 
• Last, but not least, leave on my mission before my birthday. I plan to be fully recovered by March or so, and school ends in May. So hopefully by May or June I'll be gone, but I DEFINITELY want to be gone by August. 

Finally, in case I haven't told you, I will be attending SUU for the next semester. Because my recovery will be done at March at the soonest, I decided to not fall a year behind in school and finish up my Associates at SUU while I finish my recovery. I'm taking 17 credits and will be trying to find employment, so I might not be around too much. But rest assured, if you're at SUU we'll be hanging out! I'm leaving Wednesday the 2nd, and school starts the 7th!

Anyway, I hope that this finds you well. I hope you all have had a happy holiday and that you have a Happy New Year. Have a great day and have a wonderful 2013 all!

If you're not moving forward...

Hello to all! I hope you all find yourselves well. I hope that you have come with minds open, because I'm about to drop some philo (what the kids are calling "philosophy" nowadays") right on your dome (what the kids are calling ones' "head") nowadays. You ready? Alright, here we go:

So, as many of you are aware, I'm in this really strange point in my life. And not just because I'm 19 and the world's my oyster and all that jazz, but because I have been put in an extremely unique position that I would dare anybody to find me another person in the history of the universe who has been in this position. Now, I realize this is a bold statement, but I say it with confidence. Because right now I am planning to donate my kidney to my brother.This procedure has only begun to become possible through modern science, probably in the past 40 or 50 years. I am also going to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder Day Saints. As many of you know, we as Mormons will typically serve missions when we're 19. Well, as of this month, men can now serve when they are 18, and women when they are 19. So now, as a 19 year old male, I am sitting around, waiting for a date on when I can get a major organ sucked out of my body and implanted into my brother, and had to postpone serving my mission to do so. Meanwhile, almost every male friend I have is now serving a mission, and now I am watching all my female friends begin the process to leave.

I mean, honestly, there may be 1 or 2 other people in the existence of time who have even had a situation comparable to mine. But this isn't a post about the expanse of the universe, the meaning of life, or any of that.

No, what this is about is a realization I have come to over the past week. And that's if you're not moving forward, you're moving backward. See, I've realized that life is a muscle. Life must be flexed, moved, strained, pushed, hardened, expanded, and used, in order for rest to be worth it. Otherwise, life becomes obese, extravagant, and begins the process of regression, like any muscle. For instance, you can work for years on the perfect body, but lose it in a matter of months if you stop utilizing those muscles that make it up. I've seen this in almost every aspect of my life.

The problem is that I have had very little to motivate me the past few months. I've lived in a state of limbo--of not knowing--for such a long time, that I began to regress in my habits. I wasn't acting like I was in college. I gained a year's worth of knowledge, wisdom, worldly awareness, habits, thought patterns, routines, and maturity (well...). Now, after sitting on my butt for 6 months, at home, doing little to nothing, I've moved backwards.

I can't say it's entirely my own fault. I mean, I'll take responsibility, but it's not. If I'd known that the process to get tested and scheduled for the kidney donation surgery, I would certainly have pursued another/better job. Right now I'm selling Cutco and setting my own schedule (which I've also slacked off on, to be honest...) and if I had known I would have sought out better employment. I could have earned 4 or 5 month's worth of minimum wage. Nothing to shake a stick at.

If I'd known how long this process would take, I would have done another semester at college. I wouldn't be sitting at home, twiddling my thumbs and wasting my time. I would have given it a shot to try and get tested out there, and to get myself ahead another semester. I would have met more people, gained more knowledge, and made another 6 month's worth of "mature responsible" (I'll use those words loosely) Tommy habits and routines.

But instead, I just sit around. I do what I can around the house. I surf the web for hours on end, stare at Facebook statuses and tweets I've read at least a dozen times, play video games, try to hang out with whoever isn't in school, maybe earn some money if I can, or if I feel like it. But most of the time, I lack the motivation. Because I haven't flexed my "responsibility" muscles for a while. So instead, I sit around and think. I ponder, and I get myself into trouble.

But I'm trying to get better. I'm trying to jump back into my good habits and routines. Fortunately, unlike working out, you don't tire quickly after a hiatus of not working out your good habits and routines.


So yeah! That's what I've been thinking about the past few days. I hope maybe this helps somebody. If not, well you'll be rewarded for reading all the way either way. Because if you like good music, you should listen to Cloud Cult. They have really good music, and I haven't stopped listening to them since I discovered them. They're kinda strange, but I like almost every song they make, and I hope you do too!

'Til next time, stay classy San Diego.

A Topical Post about the Friend Zone.

Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? Blogging about something I think about a topic? What am I relevant?

So about a week or so ago, my friend posted this picture on Facebook. (Here is her blog. She's awesome and cool and awesome so go read her blog. http://itsmelissak.blogspot.com/ )
And here is the picture: 

I personally hate this photo and think it's false and stupid and tacky and I hate it. So I shall explain my position on it and maybe it changes your view, maybe it doesn't. Either way I hope you find what I say entertaining and enlightening. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaandgo (Keep in mind, this is not an essay, and even if it was it would have no organization of thought because I have no organization of thought. So you probably won't follow the logic. But I promise it'll come together in the end in my head.)

So here is why I disagree with it. I would venture to say that between 90-95% of the time, it is the guy complaining about being in the "friend zone". It does happen to girls, but I'm speaking strictly from a male perspective because between 90-95% of the time I am male, so I can only go based on my own thought process. But here's how I figure it. I have been in the friend zone by people before. I have also broken out of the friend zone after several years. However, that did work and kinda made a friendship rocky. I have also been turned down by a date by girls without reason. Perhaps these are exceptions to the rules though?

Well here's the biggest problem that I have with this picture. Barney Stinson would never ask a girl out on a date. They'd ask him on a date. I mean, he's Barney Stinson. He'd lie to you to make you ask him on a date. Cheeky little guy.

And my other biggest problem with this picture is that the reason guys complain about the friendzone are because they finally work up the courage to ask a girl on a date, or even confess how they feel, and the girl turns him down. Something that girls don't understand is that asking you girls out on dates is scary. It doesn't matter if we've known you a while, or if we're just meeting you, asking you on a date is terrifying. Asking you on a date makes us vulnerable, a feeling we aren't comfortable with. That's why we punch each other, because that's super tough and makes us feel invulnerable. We feel tougher and manlier when we aren't vulnerable. So asking girls on dates and making our emotions known is tough for us.

Also, something you ladies should know, is that there is no such thing as going on a date as "just friends", at least not for guys. We say we're going as "just friends" to try to take some of the edge off of one of us, Because for whatever reason, if we've ever liked you, we still like you. We can't just turn it off, box it up, and put it in an attic to find years later and be like "wow, that was dumb." Our crushes are like tattoos, we wear them openly, try to get rid of them once we realize how stupid they are, then the second somebody brings up what a good idea it was you go get it redone darker and thicker than it was before. Okay, not the best analogy, but it got the point across. Probably.

Another problem that I have with this picture is that it tries to take the blame off of the girls. If you are made aware that you have friend zoned somebody, then that means you now have a situation where you have somebody you only consider a friend who has finally mustered the courage to confess their feelings for you. Should they have asked you on a date sooner? Certainly. But why didn't they? Perhaps because you had a boyfriend? Perhaps because they were intimidated by you and were too scared to ask you out? Perhaps you were sitting around waiting for some other dude to ask you out, and putting this other dude all up in our grill whenever we tried to talk to you. Personally, I think all three are valid reasons why not to ask a girl. But even if you rule out the middle one as stupid (which, admittedly, it probably is. But I've totally been that guy too scared to ask a girl out. I still am that guy.) But the other two are other valid candidates for why I wouldn't have asked you out on a date, and then when I tell you how I feel you're like "Oh, well, I totally think you're awesome, but you're just a friend, so if you don't mind I'm gonna pee on your feelings by continuing to tell you about how badly [generic douche name] treats me. But he's better looking than you so I'll just throw you in the friend zone that we girls invent to make ourselves feel better and to avoid telling the less attractive guys we don't find them attractive now, in the past, and we never will."

Well, that escalated quickly. Probably some emotions I haven't dealt with in there somewhere. But that's cool, because I'm just gonna learn to reproduce asexually. Current task, learning how budding works.

BUT IN ANY CASE: LAWYERED.

In conclusion, I counter argue that this picture only applies to a very few situations, where while the guy was stupid, the girl is even more stupid for making up this friend zone to keep people in in the first place. And in the other case, it is not the guy's fault at all, because the girl just put him there to cover up her real feelings.

A blend of two drafts

The past few days I've sat down to blog, write, or do something other than watch all of How I Met Your Mother but have had little to no success. So I'm gonna combine the last two into a strange blog post, because they're the ones that I've wanted to talk about but just needed to focus my thoughts on them a bit.

The first was about a strange occurance that happened to me on Saturday. To earn some extra money I've been refereeing football, as I have in years past. I don't absolutely love football, nor am I a spectacular referee, but the money is there and it gets me out of the house. This is how I've always viewed this job in the three years that I've done it, but now it's coming to haunt me.
On Saturday I went out in the blazing hot sun of Boron California. Where is Boron? It's about an hour's drive from my very hot home of Lancaster into the even hotter Boron. Imagine that if someone from Hell had a winter home, but needed it to still be over 100 degrees all the time. That's Boron. Boron is the kind of place you step out into and sweat in the shade.
So that gives you an idea of the conditions. Now I'll tell you what happened. And I'll make it so even football fans will have an idea. I was on the sidelines working the chains (the things that measure the ten yards per 4 downs, as well as mark how far you've gone and how far you have to go). The play came my way out wide, and this little 6 or 7 year old kid came my way. A kid grabbed the kid by the ankles and he began to go down, and as he was another kid came flying towards the other kid. The kid on defense realized the other kid was going down, and went to the ground instead of towards the kid. They met halfway in the middle, and the runner goes down. As I normally do, I ran out to get the ball and indicate the play was over. As I did, I saw something awful. But worst, I heard something awful. If you've ever heard a 7 year old break a bone, you know what I'm talking about. It wasn't the sound of the bone breaking that I heard, but the sound of the pain as it registered in the kid's head. The first look of horror as he realized the odd angle his forearm was now taking from his elbow. His high pitched yelps still haunt me as I try to relive this. It was awful to see this kid in so much pain. A seven year old kid. It was one of the hardest things I've had to deal with. I didn't call anything against the kid who went to the ground, despite the calls for leading with the helmet, a late hit, or any other number of rules with which I'm vaguely familiar. My White hate (the dude in charge) assured my not calling anything was the right call, but it didn't make me feel any better. A kid, a seven year old kid, broke his arm and I watched it happen. I couldn't do anything, and I pissed off a bunch of people by not throwing a stupid yellow rag. I still feel awful, and it's hard for me to live it down. I just thought I'd catch you guys up on this.


The second thing that I wanted to write about was first impressions. I don't know why I wanted to write about this, but I did. It was just something that had been on my mind lately. Probably because I'm gonna be trying to make a good impression on people for the next two years. If I don't, then I have no hope of converting them. I mean, sure, there are other factors, but a good first impression certainly helps move this process along.

Now, I don't think that I make a good first impression. I pride myself on always being me. However, "me" has a very big personality. I mean, maybe it's not such a bad thing, but I realize sometimes I can be a bit  much, especially at first. There will be times when my friends bring new people around and they're like "Uh, so that Tommy kid, he was kidding about (insert probably inappropriate comment) right?" I don't do it on purpose, I just don't pull my punches because I'm around new people. I am who I am, and if people can deal with it, great! If not, then I'd rather know up front than waste your time and mine. I mean, I think I'm pleasant to be around. I think I'm fun and I can be interesting to keep around, but I'm certainly not for everybody, and I get that and certainly appreciate that. But now I have to worry about that. I have to worry about making a good first impression to these random people who I am converting to the gospel of Jesus Christ. I've found a lot of happiness with the gospel, and I want to share that with others. But what if my personality is too much for people, even there? What do I do there? I don't want to lose myself on my mission, but I don't want to scare people away because of who I am either.

Anyway, this is what makes me not sleep at night. I guess I just worry too much. I hoped you enjoy reading! I'll try to post more regularly.

Hi, I'm Tommy, and I'm the world's worst blogger

Ever. Ever. EVER.
I only wrote three blog posts (including this one) this summer. You know, summer? That time when you have a crapload of spare time and spend more time wondering what you should do with this gratuitous amount of spare time that you have? Yeah, I blogged three times. The good news is that means this post will be extremely long, and I'll get to catch you up with a series of pictures and a wall of text. Are you ready kids? I can't hear you! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,

I live on my couch in my own house. I know, crappy segue, but it was the best I could do, and I love SpongeBob so why not, right? So, this is my biggest story from summer. I've been sleeping on my couch for about a month. Why you ask? Because my room is now occupied by a 17 year old Norwegian girl named Pia. My parents decided to take her on for a full school year, and they have to have their own room. So I've been sleeping on my couch for the past few weeks. It actually hasn't been terrible, except while I've been sunburnt. The couch is leather, so you know that thing where you skin sticks to leather if it's on it too long? Imagine that while you're peeling. Yeah. Gross, right? As well as painful. But honestly the couch is quite comfy, so I can't complain too badly.

And speaking of sunburns, I have had not one but TWO in the past week. In other words, me and the sun are not on speaking terms. He gets the kid this week, I get it next, and we'll just do that until Thanksgiving and Christmas when we can just fight it out. But seriously, it's bad. The first I got last Monday when I went to Sand Hollow with my friends. That one turned my back turned a nice hue of pink, then red, then blistering red. It was my first ever second degree burn! Who said the summer before you mission can't be exciting, huh? Well the second one I just got yesterday. I was refereeing and we get to wear these super-attractive shorts that don't even go to your knees, and the back of my knees got burned hardcore. So now I get the feeling I get to repeat steps 1-3. Whatever they were. 

The next exciting bit of news is that I got the chance to spend what is probably my last week in Utah for two years-- well, aside from my 8 week stint in the MTC that I'll talk about in a minute. Sarah's friend Natalie came out and so Adam, Sarah, Natalie, and myself spent a few days in Cedar, then drove up to Brigham City for the temple open house, then went to a Real Game on Saturday night. We spent the night with my grandparents then went back up to Roy Utah for Adam's Dad's stake conference where Richard G Scott was speaking. It was a real privilege and treat to hear from a member of the quorum of the 12 apostles, as well as to walk through the temple, seeing as how I will be doing that soon. Then I headed back to Cedar, where I got the chance to stay the night with Kaleigh, Dani, Melissa, the Courtneys, and Megan. They were nice enough to let me bum it on their couch for a little bit. That was awesome, because I got to see almost everybody I wanted to one last time. We went to Sand Hollow, celebrated Dani's birthday, had a mini jam session where I pretended I had talent, and best of all just hung out! Being able to just hang out with everybody one last time before I leave was definitely a blessing before coming home and getting a nice bit of news.

Last but certainly not least is that good news: My mission call. I can't believe it's actually here. Ever since I was in primary I've heard about missions, and known how important they were, but it wasn't until January that this process became a real possibility for me. I always thought I would be a missionary, but it didn't actually happen until recently for me. I've really been praying and studying my scriptures and taking steps towards being able to go. And now that my call is here, I am SO excited to leave. I don't look forward to leaving my family, my friends, my lifestyle, my schooling, writing, blogging (what I do of it anyway), practicing my ukulele, and everything else that I enjoy that I'll have to put on hold for two years. But I know that the sacrifice will be worth it. I'm excited to serve the people of the McAllen Texas mission, and I'm excited to learn Spanish. I'm especially excited to go through the temple, to learn the entirety of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and to bask in the happiness it brings when followed in exactness, as well as the opportunity to share it with others. Am I scared? Out of my freakin' mind. But for now my excitement is outweighing my fear, and I'll try to keep it there. 

Anyway, here's a bunch of pictures of the things I've talked about. I hope that you all have had a blessed summer, and that I can keep catching you up until I leave in October. I also hope you'll keep me in your prayers and, soon, your letter list. 

SUU signs!

We hiked Kanarraville falls

Our date to go see Wimpy Kid

The car broke down and we didn't have a jack, so we just took stupid pictures

We finally made it to the temple!

Real game!

Sand Hollow!

Fun pictures! 

We were having a lot of fun in the water

Group photo! 

"Best sides!"

The girls! 

Boating!

I went boating today. If there's one thing you should know about me, it's that I LOVE boating. Like, lovelovelovelovelove it. I need to find adjectives in the dictionary. No, I need to be like Shakespeare and make up words to describe my love for it. Or just be like Shakespeare and write a hundred ambiguously gay sonnets about it. Something like that. Because I FREAKIN' LOVE BOATING.

And honestly, whoever doesn't like boating is probably like a serial child killer or something. Like, if you meet somebody who is even on the fence about boating, cut them out of your life and make sure you lock your doors man. Because something is seriously wrong with that person. Being out on the water, a soft mist sprinkling your face, the hot sun zenning you into bliss as yin and yang, heat and water, play their ongoing feud on the skin 9/10 times you're hoping will tan but it ends up just burning.

I've been able to boat about twice a year since we moved back to California. We go once with my uncle, who is incredibly fun to tube with and who I went with today, and once with my neighbors the Thackers, because they have a boat and we've been friends forever. :D



Anyway, I've gotten pretty good over the past few years with wakeboarding and such. I've learned to jump pretty well (just bunny hops, I can't jump the wake or anything.) Today while I was trying that I ate it HARD though, and got pretty bad whiplash. My neck's hurting pretty bad right now. But hey, it comes with the territory right?

However, my FAVORITE thing to do while boating (minus just enjoying the overall experience) is tubing, especially the way my uncle does it. He makes it so fun with how much he whips you around and bounces you and such. Plus it's one of those fears that I conquered because of a near-death experience associated with it (I'll put another post about it probably. Also I started another one the other night trying to catch you guys up on my summer thus far. It's a draft, so I'll finish it at some point.) Anyway, I'm really proud of myself every time I tube because it's me getting over that fear. It's one of those things that I let myself be proud of myself for. Which was a poorly constructed sentence but I'm blogging late at night again so SHUT UP.

Anyway, I just love boating. The only downside is that I lost my CTR ring. It ripped off the first time I was tubing. I've had it for like a year and a half, and it wasn't spinning much anymore because of beach sand and such. But I still miss it. It's seen a long year and a half. RIP CTR ring.

Anyway, when I get home I'll probably finish that other post about what I've been up to, and also that other one talking about my near death experience. Or maybe not. I dunno. 'Til then, stay classy San Diego.

It's much too late for me to come up with a title, much less a good one

It's 4:14 in the morning. I haven't been sleeping well at all the past several days. All the days are blurring together now, and I can't stop them from doing so. I'm trying to get on a more regular sleep schedule, so that I can fall asleep before 2 and wake up before noon. But it feels like the more I try, the less I'm able to fall asleep, and the more desire I have to sleep through alarms.

I think my insomnia might be coming back. For those who don't know, I had insomnia pretty bad from the time I was 12 'til I was 16. It was brought on by my hormones beginning to go crazy in the 7th grade, and then stopped in the 11th grade once my body had somewhat stabilized. While I had it, my sleep schedule was insane. I would fall asleep at 1 or 2 in the morning, and then wake up for seminary around 5:30. This resulted in crazy mood swings and depression a lot of the time. However, over the past two years I've been doing pretty well other than the occasion sleepless night that I've found most people have.

But for some reason, I think that it's coming back now. Probably because of stress, and all the changes that are happening (or, at least, supposed to be happening.) Lately I've just had no motivation to do anything. Nothing seems to make me genuinely excited anymore, either. I don't feel as close to friends I once felt close to, and those who I've begun to feel stronger towards are leaving on missions or are busy with their lives during the summer. I dunno. I guess lately I've just felt like I'm in a bit of a box. A box with one way glass, where I can look out, but people can't look in. It's not that I won't let people look in, heck I really WANT people to do so. It just feels like people don't want to. If I want to hang out with or see people, then I have to instigate it. I don't get invited to activities anymore. I don't get texted or called, heck I don't even get acknowledged much without some sort of instigation of contact on my part.

I've also been getting really pissed off at a lot of stupid stuff too. My car not working still/again. Myself, a lot of the time. Even stupid things like games and stuff. I started swearing again, something that I haven't done since freshman year of high school. And not even like under my breath and stuff. Like out loud, sometimes screamed if I'm alone. I'm trying to break this, but when it feels like I'm on such a short fuse because of lack of sleep I don't even notice until it's happened. I usually have so much more self control, but it just feels like lately I haven't had any. I haven't been able to control much of anything. Nothing I do, nothing people around me do, nothing that my life is doing.

People keep asking me when I'm putting my mission papers in. And each time I tell them something different. I have to, because the days pass too quickly and the problems I'm struggling with aren't resolved yet. I wish I could tell people a definite date. I wish that I could just stop struggling and figure everything out and go on a mission like all the rest of my friends are. I want to be able to do so. I've always wanted to go on a mission, ever since I was in primary and I sang I hope they call me on a mission. I always knew that I wanted to serve the Lord. But since I was 11 I struggled with church. I never built my testimony and now that I'm trying it feels like all the factors are working against me. I'm losing hope fast and honestly I don't have the mental will to really try anymore.

I know I promised I wouldn't have any more blog posts like this. I know that I said that my blog would be used to uplift people and all that. But I want to keep people updated on my life too. And right now, this is my life. Extended periods of boredom, sleepless nights, and efforts on my part that aren't panning out in the least. All these plans that I'm trying to lay aren't finding any ground to root into. So I spend a lot of my time alone and thinking, and I guess that results in blog posts and even worse things. This isn't a spot I like or even want to be in. I gotta get out of this funk somehow.

Physical quirks

I was reading a blog today from a man whose left eye is completely blind. He went on to explain, in full medical (and, admittedly, humourous) detail, what had happened to his eye. He wrote a series of four different blog posts about his different medical problems etc*. I found it extremely interesting, and thought that I would explain my big deformity physically, my smile.

Now some people will say that they don't notice that my smile is crooked, but flip through any of my pictures (seriously, don't, finding a picture of me in my own albums is like playing Where's Waldo in the red and white shirt factory) on Facebook. The entire left side of my smile is EXTREMELY crooked. It barely turns up, and doesn't expand outwards.

The reason for this is simple: a golf club; a putter to be exact. When I was no older than six years old (I know this because when I was six we moved from this house to a larger one in order to make room for my youngest sister, Sarah) I was playing out front with a neighborhood friend of mine. Funny, I can't recall his name. I just remember that he was black-- sadly I can identify his house in relationship to mine because in our cul-de-sac of six houses there was only one African American family. I know he was a little bit older than me, probably only 8 or 9 though. Anyway, when I was younger I thought golf was pretty cool. Not something I loved (like now), but back then I thought it was neat. When we went to my grandpa's house, we did mini putting contests inside with a metal giblet that recieved the ball from all angles and trapped it in. I loved this especially because my grandpa would give me a dollar if I could out putt him. It was always rigged though, because somehow I always got that dollar whether my shots were further away or not.

So one day at the ripe old age of 6, I decided to practice with this friend whose name escapes me. I brought out a comparable contraption to what my grandpa had, and grabbed a putter. As any good host does, I allowed my friend to go first. However, I noticed him holding my putter incorrectly. So, without thinking I went up behind him to help correct the grip. Right then, without knowing that you don't do this putting, he reared the putter back in a full arc. The two pounds of mixed metals collided with the left side of my face and sent me on my butt, crying instantly. He dropped the club and, as any 9 year old does when he accidentally does something wrong, ran home to tell his Mom, leaving my on my front yard, for my Mom to come out and see what was the matter. She checked my out and assured me that I wasn't bleeding, and that I would be fine. But alas, I wouldn't.

As time went on, I developed a dimple from where the club had hit me. It wasn't too deep or too noticable, but it was there and it was cute on my 5 foot frame. My smile was still straight though, because I wasn't doing much growing. However, when I started growing at around 12 I began to notice that my smile was becoming less and less straight. The left side wasn't extending as far as the right side, and the dimple was becoming deeper and deeper.

What happened is that somehow being hit in the face with that putter had damaged/killed much of the muscle in that side of my face. I have very little control of that side because the muscles didn't grow with the rest of my body, because most of them were now dead. It now extends up towards my eye too, that's why in most pictures while I try to smile I partially close my left eye. Which I absolutely love because it makes me look like I have a lazy eye. But in the morning I check and so far my eyes still track properly.

So, woe is me, I am left with a crooked smile and an eye that likes to trick people into thinking it's lazy. That's why I don't like taking pictures. I feel as though my smile is strange and I hate having to take them over and over. That's why usually I try to make a funny face, or I won't show my teeth (somehow I think it looks better like that.)

Anyway, that's the story of my physical deformity. For my next one I'll talk about the Wii accident that resulted in a permanent, thick scar on the back of my hand. 'Til next time!




*I did a great job summarizing it I know, but if you're interested in reading a really funny blog/series of posts, then check this guy out. http://www.joshweed.com/2010/10/body-deformities-part-ii-creepiest-face.html

Today was a strange day

Today I woke up and did what I had planned to do. I went to the beach with two of my best friends, Robert and Nick. The drive down was uneventful-- traffic aside-- and I had the opportunity to do something I love, enjoy the beach. Today was an almost perfect beach day. It was sunny and warm, almost 70 degrees according to my phone. The clouds were sparse and the sun was plentiful (as I type this, I wince in pain if my pink back touches anything but air, despite the three layers of coppertone I put on). The water, as is typical, was quite cold, which meant I only stuck my feet in. This lead to me mostly sitting around on the towel and trying to get a few shades darker (or at least redder). As I lay down, I busted out my new smart phone, and was glad to see that I had 4G LTE, supposedly the fastest internet service available. "Man, they really pull out all the stops at the beach, don't they?" I said to myself, ironically thinking of how dirty Santa Monica beach can be, but with such a nice locale who can argue, right?

So anyway, as I surf the internet using the fastest wireless a cell phone company can offer, I of course opened my Facebook account. I have this strange habit where I just skim Facebook to see if anything interesting has happened in the world of approximately 500 people that I claimed to at one point care about enough to add them as friends, and beg them to tell me what they had for lunch and when they get engaged. This has led to many posts about things I don't find particularly interesting, but I try to skim their lives briefly anyway, just to keep in touch as best I can (I promise most of you, I do my best.) As I was skimming through posts, I read one from a parent who I could see instantly was distressed greatly. She announced with a brief post that her son Johnny had died and that prayers for she and her family would be greatly appreciated. Of course, as a person of faith and as a human being this plead instantly tugged at my heart strings, but was increased tenfold as I glanced up to the blue name sitting above the brief but unsettling status update.

Bekki Gilmore DelVecchio.

My sister's baby of 5 months passed away today. A member of my family passed away today. My nephew had passed away today. My nephew who I had never met had passed away today. My heart instantly went out to my sister, her husband, and her 4 children who had just lost their little brother. I did not know what to do. As the day progressed, I tried to enjoy the beach the rest of the day, but I had a heavy weight on my mind. I worried for my sister, for my family, and for the future. I knew that they were in tough economic circumstances. They had recently moved back to Missouri. I had the opportunity to see them in November, but Bekki was still pregnant then. (I had to think hard about whether or not I had met my nephew prior to his passing, as this encounter was my neice Bella's birthday and there were little kids running around everywhere.) I had not had the opportunity to be a part of this little youngster's life.

At a time like this, many turn to faith, myself included. Growing up LDS, I know that this baby is safe. I know that he will live forever with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and that already he is doing work for his family and our Heavenly Father. I am thankful for this knowledge. I'm thankful for the knowledge and comfort that this brings to me. I'm thankful that God has a plan. And, to be totally honest, I'm thankful that I have no idea what it is. I think if I understood how complicated the world was that I'd be a stuck up know-it-all (literally) and that I would serve no purpose to anybody. And even if I wasn't, I feel as though somehow I'd still go out of my way to be out of the loop and have no idea what I was doing.

As I was writing this post, I went to my sister's Facebook page. I was scrolling through her informational posts about his passing and I was heartbroken to see his beautiful face. His eyes were large, like his sister Bella. They were the kind of cute and innocent baby eyes that instantly strike you, as if he's taking in as much of the world as he could. It's a comfort to know that he got to take in a little extra of the world, despite his brief respite here on earth. I can only imagine the good that he is already doing and the good that he will do in the next life.

As I scan her Facebook page, I can see post after post of friends and family sending comfort, and can feel the love in their posts. It is striking how people rally around others in times of sorrow such as this. It doesn't matter who belongs to what church, who you voted for in the last election, or what offenses may have been set against who in the past. Because now, we're all human beings. Compassionate meat sacks rallying around somebody who we love and care for, with prayers and a faith in God that all is well and on his time. It's a strange thing, how death brings the living closer together. And maybe that's just a bit of God's plan. I haven't had the opportunity to see these niece's and nephews, the distance has always made this difficult. My oldest niece Nevaeh (Heaven spelled backwards. It's given a whole new meaning given recent events) is 8 years old and I've only had the opportunity to visit with her probably 6 or 7 times in her entire lifetime. However, I get to take a trip out to see her for Johnny's funeral, along with my Dad. This may be the first time I get to see all of my older siblings together, with all of their kids.

This is the first time I've ever dealt with the death of a family member. Although I never spoke to or even met Johnny, it still hits home that there was a death in my family. It seems strange, losing somebody who I never met but who I feel so much pain in losing. I cannot imagine what it's like to lose a child, but my heart and my prayers go out out to my sister. I cannot wait to see her and her family, or the rest of my siblings. The siblings who I haven't lived with for longer than a year's time. The siblings who seem to always argue over something, even as adults. The siblings who I know have a lot of love for each other. The siblings who I have a lot of love, respect, and admiration for despite their flaws. Because I see them working to improve themselves every day despite past mistakes. I have never been extremely close to them for very long. We still talk every now and then, but not nearly often enough. And that's the lesson that I'm taking from this: that life is short, and life is precious, and that we only have one shot at it. Cliched though it is, it's true, and it's anchored into my heart thanks to Johnny.


RIP Johnny Jay DelVecchio. I'll see you in heaven little guy.